Harry Potter and Some FreakedUp Time Traveling!
by Artimus Moneytrouser
Summary: The real story of Sirius's escape and Buckbeak's rescue.


Hermione: Harry, wake up! HARRY! (Seductively...) Harry, I want you and I want you bad.

Harry: Oh, Hermione!

Hermione: Not now, we have to save Sirius! They are about the perform the kiss on him!

Harry: How come Sirius can get kisses and I can't! (Dejected) I can't even score with dementors...

Hermione: Maybe if you didn't complain so much.

Carson: And you'll find that women prefer men who wear bright colors (wink)

Hermione:...

Hermione: HARRY, SHUT UP AND LISTEN. It's worse than dying!

Harry: So... he's not going to die?

Hermione: No, but it's worse, you see...

Harry: Well, if he's not going to die, then what's the point of saving him? Now, Hermione, I think you were about give me a...

Hermione: SHOOT MACE! (Harry is sprayed with mace.)

Harry: (Harry is unaffected.) Baby, you should know that doesn't work by now. (Frantically raises eyebrows.)

Hermione: WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!

Harry: Why are you so intent on saving him? He tried to kill us!

Hermione: Are you MAD! (Tweaks) IT'S PETER FREAKING PETIGREW! (Strangles Harry)

Ron: This is better than porn!

Hermione: How long have you been awake?

Ron: Long enough baby!

Harry: Oh Hermione, you devilish creature, were you the only one who was conscious 20 minutes ago?

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: Did you take advantage of us?

Hermione: (Shudders.)

Ron: You know you want us! Better get in line for the Ron!

Harry Potter fans: Guhhhh... guys, they go through puberty in the third movie and they become perverted... I mean Hermione -...

ANYWAYS...

Dumbledore: Hello there, children. How are all of you doing... GASP! (Pushes Hermione out of the way and unnecessarily goes out of his way to push Ron off of his medical bed to go to Harry). My star child! Are you injured? (to Hermione and Ron) WHAT DID YOU DRAG HIM INTO THIS TIME? Did your stupid "friends" get you injured again, Harry Cherry Blerry Shmookums?

Harry: (Nods with puppy-dog eyes)

Hermione and Ron: WHAT? Harry, you dragged us into this! YOU ALWAYS DRAG US INTO THIS!

Ron: Do you THINK I wanted to have my leg shredded apart by a horrible mutt?  
Hermione: Oh Ron, don't complain, it's just a scratch. You should be happy you weren't PETRIFIED FOR HALF THE YEAR, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BORING IT IS TO BE PETRIFIED FOR HALF THE YEAR? THERE IS NOTHING TO DO, MOST PEOPLE THINK THAT IT'S JUST BUTTERFLY AND KITTY DREAMS, BUT NO! YOU'RE AWAKE! IT'S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION TO THINK THAT ONE IS ASLEEP WHEN THEY ARE PETRIFIED...YOU'RE NOT ASLEEP...(heavy breathing).

Ron: You mean... you were awake for that?

Hermione: YES Ron, I was awake!

Ron: (Starts to sweat and blush) ...So you were awake for (gulp) that?

Hermione: Ron?

Ron:...

Hermione: RON! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I WAS PETRIFIED!

Ron: I thought you were asleep, and wouldn't you know about THAT too, what are you pulling Hermione?

Hermione: Don't you dare shift the blame to me! ...So I slept every now and then, everyone has to! HOW DARE YOU!

Dumbledore: Relax, Hermione, you will find that it was not only Ronald that took such liberties while you students were petrified.

Hermione:Dumbledore, thats wrong...that's sick and wrong.

Dumbledore: Oh Hermione it wasn't just me, but ALL the faculty you will find took said liberties, oddly enough you had the most visits from Snape.

Hermione: (Faints)

Dumbledore: ENEVERATE (Hermione awakens from her fainting spell) I am afraid we have much more pressing matters on hand though.

Hermione: I just fainted... DID YOU GUYS DO IT AGAIN?

Dumbledore: Sirius is in need of your help I believe, among others (WINK).

Harry: Huh?

Dumbledore: CoughBuckbeakCough

Harry: Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Dumbledore: I believe three turns should do it, Hermione. (Walk walk walk) You know the risks of not being back here at the appropriate time, Miss Granger.

Harry: Gwah! Sirius is dieing and leaving everything to me, and Buckbeak is chicken tenders now.

Dumbledore: You realize if you cant prove he's innocent you don't inherit anything.

Harry: COME ON HERMIONE WE HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE!

Hermione: Bout' time.

Harry: So what do we do to save Sirius? Are we going to kill people, and then revive Buckbeak from the dead?

Hermione: Not quite. (Reveals time turner, puts the chain around Harry's head and her own)

Harry: This is cozy, isn't it? (Moves in for a kiss)

Hermione: Ughhhhhh. RESTRAINIUM ORDERNO! (A shield appears in front of Hermione, blocking Harry's kiss). Ron, I'm sorry (in a whisper). Not really (normal voice), but you can't come, you will have to stay here due to your leg.

Harry: Where are we going?

Hermione: Not where, but when. (Hermione rotates the time turner three times) (Harry and Hermione plummet through a whirlpool of clocks...(shudders) and appear in the hospital wing)

Harry: Hermione what was that?

Hermione: It was a time turner, it allows us to go back in time but we have to get back to this VERY spot at exactly the time we left and NO ONE can see us. If they do... bad things can happen.

Harry: AHHHHHH! HERMIONE IT'S ME, STAND BACK! WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA! (No effect).

Hermione: Harry... that was a mirror... and why would you cast the levitating charm on it, that would have no effect what-so-ever in a real situation other than levitating the person slightly.

Harry: Hermione... (embarrassed) promise not to laugh... Well, that's the only spell I know...

Hermione: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA...HAHAHAHHAAHA... Wait, how exactly did you pass this year then?

Harry: Dumbledore

Hermione: Oh yeah! Anywho, we have work to do.

Harry: Let's go!

(Hermione and Harry run down to the Hogwarts grounds and end up at the location where Hermione decked Malfoy.)

(Hermione stops in her tracks.)

Harry: Why did you stop?

Hermione: I want to see this.

(The past Hermione decks Malfoy. (SMACK!) birds in the Forbidden Forest fly away from the echo of the punch.)

Hermione: Thats it? Only a little blood!

Harry: Hermione, Madam Pomfrey couldn't even cure that!

Hermione: It's NOT GOOD ENOUGH! (Notices Harry's eye on Cho). HARRY YOU CAN'T COME IN CONTACT WITH ANYONE! CRUCIO! (At past Malfoy with bloody nose).

Harry: What happened to not coming in contact with anyone from the past?

Hermione: SQUIRM MALFOY SQUIRM! Oh, sorry Harry, he's in too much pain to remember this, and ummm ummm it's okay if I interfere.

Harry: Thats not true! and if you can interfere th- (Old Harry catches Harry's eye). Would you look at me.. Have I always been so...so..so dashing? I think I'm in love, Hermione. I think I'm going to ask me out to the Yule Ball. What if I say no? Oh no! Look at him and look at me... why would anyone like that want a man like me?

Hermione: You do realize that that is yourself.

Harry: Come again? Thats impossible, there is no way for that to happen, after all, for that to work there would need to be magic!

Hermione:...

Harry: I did it again, didn't I?

Hermione: More or less, but we have to save Buckbeak! (Runs to Hagrid's shack). Now we have to do this carefully, so the minister doesn't see us. BUMBARDUM! ------- Loudest spell!(Buckbeak's chain explodes, freeing him).

Harry: SO MUCH FOR BEING COVERT!

Hermione: Meh, I don't really have a lot of patience. (Grabs Buckbeak). Let's go!

Harry: THEY SAW US HERMIONE! THEY ARE LOOKING AT US RIGHT NOW!

Minister: Ummmmmm, yeah. I kind of saw the entire thing. Sorry?

Hermione: OBLIVIATE! (memory erasing charm). There? Happy, Harry? Much easier than that crap we did in the movie, now on to the Whomping Willow!

(At the Whomping Willow!)

Harry: Hermione, we're here!

Hermione: And now we wait.

Harry: And now we wait...(whistles). How to pass the time, how to pass the time... (Stretches -- puts his arm around Hermione).

Hermione: NO, HARRY!

Harry: (Harry removes his arm)...okay...don't...need to be crabby...so...Buckbeak, how about you?

(Meanwhile)

Ron: (Positioned by a window looking out into the lake) Why wasn't I on this adventure? I'm useful, right? ...Maybe I have what it takes to help my friends... (Music starts to play in the background)  
Has Ronald lost his spunk,  
has the Weasel lost his wheeze?  
Have I become a gimp punk?  
Resorting to resting on this bed,  
this could lead to my friends being dead.  
Perhaps from a loss of their head?   
Harry... Hermione... but... no... Ron

(Ron's head leans on the window and his tears roll down it in sync with the rain).  
(Back to the important part of the story)

(Ron breaks out into heavy sobs from hearing this)

Hermione: There we are.

Harry: What are we going to do again?

Hermione: ...We didn't really discuss that, we just really have to wait.

Harry: You know what we should do?

Hermione: What?

Harry: See my dad.

Hermione: What, Harry, your dad's dead!

Harry: Nope, he cast the patronus... (in spooky voice) perhaps from beyond the grave!

(Lupin becomes werewolf.)

Hermione: Ughhhhh.

Harry: What?

Hermione: I just saw more of Professor Lupin than I EVER want to see, why did the werewolf have to be HAIRLESS? Honestly, who ever heard of a hairless werewolf? (Lupinwolf slaps old Harry in face.)

Harry: Ouch! That didn't happen! (Lupinwolf starts mauling Harry).

Harry: Ughhhhh (dies).

Hermione: Whoops, I forgot about distracting the werewolf, henceforth making the werewolf run away from old Harry allowing both Harrys to survive. (Looks at time turner). Well, we will just pretend this never happened. ...

Harry: Whoa, I just go the weirdest feeling that I've seen this before.

Hermione: Huh, imagine that.

Harry: Where did you get that ice cream cone?

Hermione: (Grins at time turner behind Harry's back and ignores his question). HOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOO -----howl!

Harry: Why did you you do that?

Hermione: Believe me, Harry, you wouldn't like the alternative.

Harry: Well now hes coming this way... ummmm, should we run? (Looks towards Hermione, who is gone. Harry can see her quite a distance away, running.) WAIT UP!

(Imagine if you will that this next scene is from Harry's point of view, from his eyes.) (Harry sees Hermione running through the forest ahead. He is shaking with fear, and running adds up to a very shaky view... like a person running with a camera.) (Hermione stops in front of Harry turns around.)

Hermione: I'm so scared. (Heavy panting and tears and snot dripping from the appropriate locations.)

(Normal view)  
Hermione: did you loose the werewolf?

Harry: Yes, Professor Lupin won't have a clue where we are. (Werewolf is here!)

Hermione: Your Axe Cologne led him here, you moron!

Harry: At least I'm irresistible. I will die with women all over my corpse!

Hermione: Harry, that stuff stinks. If anything it draws EVERYONE away from you.

Harry: You know you like it baby. How about one kiss before we die?

Hermione: (Notices the werewolf recoils at Harry's Axe.) NO, I have an idea! (Takes out wand.) AXEIMUS MAXIMUS! (The spell blasted Harry's Axe scent at the werewolf, forcing it to retreat into the forest.)

Harry: Axe saved your life, Axe saved your life, now is it irresistible?

Hermione: Oh god! ...It reeks... So bad... Can't breathe... I can't take it! (Takes out wand puts it to her head but passes out due to the smell.)

(In the meantime, Ron has been watching all of this from a telescope in the hospital wing.)

Ron: Harry... I... usually save YOUR life. That Hermione is bad news for you. I'M THE ONLY ONE FOR YOU.

Dumbledore: Oh Mr. Weasley, how are you watching this from the future?

Ron: Ummmm, magic?

Dumbledore: Don't be stupid, magic doesn't exist. Now get ready for your sponge bath.

(Hermione wakes up.)

Hermione: Where are we?

Harry: Using the levitating charm, I levitated your body to the lake, you know, to get us in the mood... and to see my dad.

Hermione: HE'S DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!

Harry: (Whines for the next 3 pages.) ...So in conclusion, I feel that I should have rights to everything ever in the history of existence.

Hermione: What are you talking about?

Harry: LOOK OUT, VOLDEMORT!

Hermione: OOH NOOOO .. (Psst! Voldemort! His weak spot is his spleen!)

Voldemort: MUAHAHAHHAHA I HAVE TO SHOW UP IN EVERY BOOK ONE WAY OR ANOTHER RANDOMLY! MUAHHAHHAAHA!

Harry: Stand back, Hermione! (Hermione doesn't, because she knows he's too lame to do anything.) ABRA KADABRA JIBERY JOO TURN THIS LAME BAD GUY INTO BLUES CLUES!

Harry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Harry wakes up at the Dursleys'.) Ahh, so it was just a dream... there was no magic ... I have no friends and I'm still living in a cupboard... this bites.

Ron's song plays as credits roll


End file.
